My body, my rules?

 I want to explore my body. I've always wanted to explore my body. From a very early age, I've often wondered about people who posed for paintings and modeled for pictures.And I have no fear or embarrassment in admitting that I've wanted to be one of them. Period. But the circumstances that I've grown up in has made me feel that exploring your body, 'exposing' your body is a filthy crime only suited to people in the flesh trade. I've seen women getting labelled as 'osobhyo', 'bellela' etc only because they chose to wear sleeveless blouses or show their cleavage. Naive that I was back then, I still couldn't figure out why women who were comfortable in their skins were judged the way they were! The concept of 'noshto meye' was beyond my years. But even then, I found myself attracted to these women who freely expressed themselves through the clothes they wore, the choices  (read smoking cigarettes or not smoking cigarettes for that matter etc) they made and the life ( read going on solo trips, having a 'man's job', not getting or getting married right after graduating college etc) they lead. The exhilaration of being one's true self  while the society aimed constant jibes at you was what intrigued me no end.

During my growing up years, I've read a few odd books here and there and have gained enough confidence, rather, I daresay, bravery to express myself, my wishes, my desires just as they were. I don't want to fear judgment. I don't want to fear getting tagged for what I wish to be. For all that matters, I think we should be the least scared of expressing ourselves. I do want to work as a body artist. I want my body to be someone's canvas, both in the figurative and metaphorical sense of the term. When my friend expresses his wish to capture me in all my moods, to leaf through my expressions, to explore and capture my essence through his lenses, I want to be able to do that without having to feel that I've done something wrong or overstepped my boundaries as a 'bhodro-barir meye'.Why do I have to fear for my parents' reputation and their reaction for something that I want to do? For something I should be quite free to do without having to care for consequences?

I want to tear away the invisible ropes of dilemma that are pulling me back, weighing me down and making me question myself. Why is it that in spite of wanting to be completely, fiercely independent I still have to think twice before doing what I want to? The answer has so far eluded me. But I'm trying break free, I'm trying to break free from this psychological tug of war that is holding me back. It might take some time, but I'll surely get there.Let's just hope that I get there soon, very soon, into a space where I'm free to be myself, free to express myself, free to be who I am!